ADVENTURES
IN NURSING
LET’S TALK CATHETERS
“You’re not squeezing hard
enough.” Mrs. B1 faced me across the bed
and quietly, urgently repeated, “You’re not squeezing hard enough.” Aw, geez, this was not going well.
A million thoughts raced
through my brain with the speed of a downhill train. “Why me?”
“Why me in front of Mrs. B1?” “Why
a 75-year-old male dementia patient, with the attendant 75-year-old penis??” Okay, so it was actually only three thoughts,
but they were running in a circle in my head so it might as well have been a million. What the hell ever made me think I wanted to
be a nurse?? I was not having a good
time.
Sweat broke across my
forehead. My glasses slid down my
nose. I couldn’t push ‘em back up – had my
sterile gloves on and my hands full of penises and catheters. I said a silent prayer that I could get this
thing done before said glasses fell off my face and on to something I didn’t
want to contemplate.
I was already a nervous
wreck, just from opening my supplies and setting up my sterile field under the
watchful eye of my instructor. So many
things to remember – open this first, lubricate that last, yadda yadda
yadda. And now I wasn’t squeezing hard
enough? Could I catch a freakin’ break
here? Apparently not.
My poor, sweet, dear
elderly patient was in no position to assist.
If I had known the troubles that awaited me, I would have snuck into his
room earlier and taped a Playboy centerfold to the ceiling above his bed, for
Pete’s sake. Too late for all this
wisdom now!
I soldiered on, because
that’s what we nurses do, right? Besides
that, I needed the grade. If it wasn’t
this guy, it would be the next one.
Gosh, this was fun.
I’ll be honest with you. I don’t remember now how I got through that
day. I can’t even guarantee that I
completed the procedure successfully. I
assume I did because I have no memory of having to repeat it in front of Mrs.
B1 again. Yay me! I’m pretty damn sure, though, that I didn’t “look
like I knew what I was doing.”
That wasn’t my last misfortune
with a catheterization either. It
happens. They don’t always go as planned
but when they do, IT IS SWEET! I’ll tell
you one thing, though. I’m retired now
and I’ll never have to do it again, and for that, I am ever so grateful.
Bwahahaha!! I'm sure his stuff hadn't been handled in "that" way, i quite awhile. Can you only imagine had it had the gumption to start rising.......... *shudder*, never mind that last sentence. Its too revolting to continue LOL! Again, I have to say..I admire everything nurses do, and what they go through...but this is something I could have never done or do. I don't have enough patience as it is...I would be so afraid I would cuss someone out, or better still, feel the urge to slap the heck outta them..and you just DON'T do that!! How many years were you in this profession? I can only imagine how you are glad you don't have to catherize ever again!
ReplyDeleteI was a nurse for 17 years, Dani, and the last five were difficult for me. Being an agency nurse, I seemed to be more appreciated than the staff nurses. The lack of respect for them from management was ridiculous. I only worked in long-term care, but I imagine the situation was the same in hospitals, only with MORE stress. Unless you're in management, you're very underpaid, but that's just the opinion of one of the drones! Gee, I hope I don't discourage anyone from becoming a nurse!
ReplyDeleteI have two cousins in the family that became nurses. One cousin started out in a doctor's office, and worked there for a while. Then she went on to work in a local hospital, and later became head nurse of her floor. Once she left there, she became a home nurse which she is currently doing right now, and she loves it. My other cousin is also a home nurse. I don't think a person that wants to become a nurse can become discouraged. If that is their chosen profession, they will do it, no matter what. Everyone has different experiences.
ReplyDeleteI think you're right, Dani. It is a calling for most folks. Some go into it for the money. Some go into it for the glamour. What can be more glamorous than sticking your finger up someone's behind because they haven't pooped for five days, right?? lol The world needs more good nurses, and the profession needs less "corporation."
ReplyDelete